Jake’s Diary 2

Picture of the Tail Town Hall

Hello, it’s me again, Jake. I’m taking a break from Orph. I think he thinks he’s some sort of shrink, examining my unresolved childhood issues or somthin’. Couldn’t stand to be around him and his psychobabble.

Do you know the worst thing about running off in the middle of nowhere when you’re angry? It’s realizing you have to go back because you don’t know where you are and rely on the person you’re angry at to know where we are and where we’re going.

Still, whilst I let my pride simmer down I took a little walk around Tail Town, just to see what there was. It was like any town but just more “fishy”. I mean imagine all the shops you find in a high street and translate that into fish terms. Just down the road I saw a McSharkies and its “golden jaws”, a gym called Big Mussels and a party shop called Whale of a Time. This place would be a pun factory if this wasn’t true.

This was nothing compared to some churchy thing (called the Surf of Saint Coral) that I visited. Outside it looked fairly churchish, but as sandcastle architecture. There was also a sign post saying “Come in and get to know Cod”. So I went in…

One of the first things that made me laugh was to see a little poster with this…

The Loach’s Prayer

Our Starfish,
Who art in Herring,
Halibut (1) be thy name,
Thy Clamdom (2) come,
Thy whelks be done,
On Plaice as they are in Herring.
Give us this day our daily flakes
And forgive us our trawling,
As we forgive those that trawl against us.
And lead us not into netation,
But deliver us from the hook,
For thine is the Clamdom, the Pike and the Guppy
Forever and ever,
Afish.

(1)    The other variant of this prayer is the heretical Haddock of the Haddostants. Thankfully this sect saw the error of its ways and finally conformed to the Halibut of the Holy Halibut Surf.

(2)    The other version, used by the Kipperists, is “Thy kippers come”, whilst not wrong (because be assured when Cod’s Clamdom comes, so too will his army of Kippers), emphasizes the militaristic ideals of the movement, and overlooks Cod’s Clamship over us, though they still use “For thine is the Clamdom…”

There’s a perfect word for this, and even if I can’t describe it very well, this is the word I’d use: surreal.

I get dizzy when I think of all that’s been happening, and the pit in my stomach seems to have no bottom. A feeling I haven’t had since I was a kid when I used to think of things so big or infinite that I’d actually start feeling sick!

Actually, I will take a pew; this is getting too much for me.  My legs are feeling a bit wobbly…

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